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So tonight amidst the typical mayhem of a Shoe evening Buddha peed on the...
carpet and I caught him mid stream… “Buddha, NO!” I yelled. “You’re a bad boy!” I quickly yonked him up and out the door he went. As I knelt down and started cleaning up, Myles came over and leaned over me; his little mouth was literally millimeters away from my ear and I could see his body bent over, hands holding a squeaker toy, in my peripheral vision. “You know mommy, Buddha’s not a bad boy. He’s a good boy who made a bad choice.”
It caught me so off guard I stopped mid wipe and sat back on my heels. I looked up at Myles who at this point was eye level and right up in my grill, waiting on baited breath for my response. I quickly realized how right he was and what a magnificent teaching moment it was, for us all. I recognized how I had an instantaneous rush of what I used to so powerfully feel when I was wrong but unwilling to own it. As if by admitting that I was wrong made me a bad person; made me lesser than and cast a judgement against me as a person. I would then beat myself up for not doing it the ‘right’ way the first time. I would internally sling shaming self talk in every which direction but outwardly show anger which was a more acceptable emotion for me; coming up with some excuse that in my mind would justify my actions so I didn’t have to own anything or apologize.What I have come to realize over time and wish more than anything to instill in my child is to love ourselves enough to own our stuff; to show him that self-love is unconditional and is never tied to pre-requisites or conditional circumstances. That we all make choices that play out in any given moment as actions, words and beliefs based on where we are and that nine times out of ten our choices are a direct reflection of how we perceive ourself and to what degree we love ourselves. When our self-love tank is dwindling in reserves, or running on fumes, we simply cannot afford to own anything really because it will suck our tank dry, leaving us with nothing to run on, it will in our minds destroy us. It serves a very real purpose. It allows us to continue to play out life functioning on the surface level of working hard. We “work hard” at work, at parenting, at exercising, at playing… Living becomes “hard work” and we develop an identity that we are what we DO instead of who we ARE when we are at rest; when we are still, quiet and alone. We slap labels of ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ on pretty much everything, compare and base our self worth on whether we measure up to others being able to do it ‘right’ more often than us.
Well guess what… we all mess up! We all have cobwebs in the corners of our soul that catch us up from time to time but the ‘work’, which in actuality is not even close to hard, is to love ourselves through it all. Not one person ever, is always is on point; perfection is an illusion we tell ourselves to keep us “working hard” and removed from being still, quiet and tapped in to loving our messy selves! BALANCE and FOCUS. Life is a balancing act and the work then becomes consciously choosing what to focus on and when we falter or fall short, because we will from time to time, how shamelessly can we shift focus onto a better feeling thought, and continue to remain tapped into our overflowing tank of self-approval and love…
“You’re right Myles. Mommy made a mistake. Buddha IS a good boy who made a bad choice. Thank you for pointing that out to me, you’re such a smart dude! I love you.” And yet again, humbled by my almost five year old who sees the world through such magnificent eyes and carries such innate wisdom within his soul because he knows no other way!
“I love you too mommy.” The night continued on as if nothing had happened for him and I remained grateful to the core that this child chose me.
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