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Every once in a while you have a day where the bottom falls out. You notice ...
that small things are beginning to distract your energy away from alignment, slightly derailing you. It’s like a mosquito that buzzes in your ear, you swat at it and it momentarily disappears, only to return again. And then just like that it seems, you melt. I used to perceive the melting process, the surrendering and succumbing to external pressures and circumstances as a weakness, a fault, an indication that I wasn’t strong enough. But what I’ve realized is that by surrendering to it, handing it over after having done your best, you allow other people to see your soul, lightness and darkness, and gifts us with the opportunity to embrace ourselves for all sides without judgement.
We are still riding the autism wave of behavioral repercussions from Halloween and Birthday celebration weekend and have been managing and dealing with some significant health concerns with Buddha – not knowing precisely what’s wrong while trying to put a plan in place. First my body gives in and I get sick which I could feel was threatening on the edge for days – literally reducing the possibility of output and then something happens where you emotionally melt like a snowman teleported to the tropics – a puddle within seconds.
My melting happened in CVS this evening, Myles proceeds to meltdown and role into a full on tantrum because he can’t run up and down all the aisles, as I am picking up three different medications to try for Buddha AND my antibiotics for a sinus infection and double ear infections. I throw on the counter a bag of cough drops, my afrin and a box of tissues as I am simultaneously physically restraining my child from picking up every candy bar on display and huzzing it across the aisle at the sweet old lady picking up her medication, all while screaming and trying to bite my arm. As I try to listen to the young girl behind the counter, I can feel the stares that are burning a hole in my back and I hear one mom say to her child “sweetheart don’t stare, it’s not polite” and I began to weep. Tears simply flowed from my eyes and rolled down my cheeks. The young girl stopped talking and quickly put everything in the bag “if you have any questions just call.” I reached out and took the bag as I said thank you all while dragging my child with my other hand. He touched down every so often as I silently escorted him to the car. My vision was blurry from my tears and I wanted so badly to drop to my knees and scream. I got Myles in the car and drove home…
Some days the bottom just falls out, and that’s ok. I learn something new every time whether it’s something about myself, Jeromie or Myles, and/or relationships and communication. Yes it’s painful and yes at times you want to crawl into bed and pull the covers over your head – lets be honest, sometimes I DO! But standing in the knowing that this too shall pass and what’s to come out on the other end of enduring the storm is a beautiful gem that has been polished smooth by the winds and washed brilliantly clear by the rains; that each time you endure, you bounce back with a resiliency that is authentic and vulnerable, not contrived and based in fear or an attempt to avoid.
It’s a messy, raw and real unfolding, life is, and I choose to embrace it all because it’s what makes me, ME.
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